I’ve written about trust in the context of faith before, but this morning I want to revisit the subject, because I need to feel that trust right now. This is a time of great trial in my life, and great upheaval, and it is easy to dwell on the past, and on my mistakes. What could I have done differently, and what will happen now? I know intellectually that worrying will bring me no peace, but my heart is at war with my mind.  Even though I have faith that the Lord will see me through, I am also troubled by doubt fueled by heartache. What does my future look like now?

A song lyric by The Killers has been rattling around in my head, from the song “Dustland Fairytale”: “God gives us hope, but we still fear what we don’t know;” (Flowers).  This describes my current state well, I think. I believe that this trial is important to my life, and that through God’s love I will endure it, but I am afraid. Part of my heart rejoices in God’s gifts of life, love and hope. But mostly I am sadder than I have ever been. I feel broken and halved. I am worried that I will never be happy again, even though I know that God will not abandon me to despair as long as I have faith.

I came across this passage in Matthew a few days ago, and I repeat it to myself sometimes: “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” (Matthew 6:27). It has become a mantra of sorts, a shield against sorrow. But my faith is still young, and my pain is still heavy, and my battle against that pain is still a constant toil.

I also take some measure of comfort in “My Lighthouse,” by Rend Collective. It’s an upbeat, folksy number, sung with great joy and gratitude.

Your great love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
Oh, you are the peace in my troubled sea.

In the silence, you won’t let go
In the questions, your truth will hold

My lighthouse, my lighthouse
Shining in the darkness, I will follow you
I will trust the promise;
You will carry me safe to shore.
(Rend Collective)

Easy to say, and easy to sing, but far more difficult to adopt right now. I am raw, and hopelessness encroaches upon me. Today, above all other days, I need to practice faith. And then tomorrow above today.  And then again.

Prayer:

Lord, let me have the trust that you will see me through my most difficult times.